Cara Mengatasi Hubungan Tidak Sehat / How to Deal with Toxic Relationship

negative_people_quote

English Version

Minggu lalu kita sudah membahas tanda-tandanya hubungan yang tidak sehat. Kali ini saya ingin membahas gimana cara mengatasinya.

Tergantung dari seberapa penting hubungan tersebut ke kita sendiri, ada beberapa langkah untuk mengatasi dan itu semua tergantung pada kemauan kita untuk menjadi lebih “tega”. Yang perlu jadi pertimbangan adalah, “ketidaktegaan” itu justru kadang makin menjerumuskan orang yang kita sayangi untuk makin tidak baik.

Contoh-contoh yang saya alami:

  • Mantan yang manipulatif dalam post minggu lalu: putus.
  • Teman di Facebook yang status nya selaluuuuuu mengeluh, atau ‘ngomporin’, tipe2 provokator: unfollow/unfriend.

Kalau sudah masuk ranah keluarga atau teman dekat, itu mulai susah. Nggak bisa juga kan putus hubungan atau unfriend, karena mereka penting untuk kita. Kalau saya sih biasanya coba mempertimbangkan dengan langkah-langkah ini

Gimana caranya keluar dari hubungan tidak sehat?

  1. Jangan diambil hati

    Yang paling penting untuk diingat adalah bahwa masalah bukan pada anda, tapi pada orang-orang ‘beracun’ ini sendiri. Mereka mungkin tidak percaya diri, merasa lebih rendah dari orang lain, atau tidak puas dengan kehidupannya sendiri. Mereka akan mengemas perkataan dan tingkah laku seolah-olah kita yang salah. itu yang kita harus sadari

    Seperti si mantan yang bolak balik menuduh saya selingkuh ketika saya hanya pengen pergi dengan teman sekolah, saya juga nggak terlalu ambil pusing. Saya sendiri nggak ada niatan seperti itu kok, dan memang ternyata dia takut kehilangan sehingga bertingkah laku seperti itu

  2. Jangan terbawa arus

    Kita harus pandai-pandai jaga emosi. Ketika mereka sudah mulai cari perkara, biasanya kita akan dibuat merasa tidak nyaman, dibuat tidak pede, sedih, atau malah marah.Kalau kita coba ngomong dengan mereka, reaksi pertama biasanya langsung kasar atau emosional. Dan jika kitanya ikutan marah-marah, yang ada malah jadi makin membesar. Apa untungnya kan? Udah kita nya malah ikut emosi, jadi stress, malah jadi cepet tua deh.

    Sekali lagi nih si mantan jadi contoh, ketika dia sudah mulai ngambek dan pamer manyun di depan temen-temen, sebenernya memang dia berharap saya nyamperin dan membujuk rayu sehingga memberi citra ke temen-temen bahwa saya yang salah bikin dia ngambek, dan saya masih butuh si mantan ini.

    Akhirnya ketika udah eneg juga ngeliatin laki-laki tapi kelakuan begitu, setiap dia pamer manyun, aku diemin aja sih. Kadang temen sampe bilang “Tuh dia dipojokkan manyun” “Biarin aja lah, udah gede ini”. Buntut-buntutnya dia yang nyamperin aku “Kamu kok cuek aja sih???”

    Jadi kalau sudah dicoba ngomong baik-baik masih ngeyel, jangan diladenin lagi, lebih baik ditinggal saja kalau bisa.

  3. Jangan memaklumi/membiarkan tingkah laku ‘beracun’

    Dalam menghadapi orang-orang seperti ini, kita cenderung membiarkan karena rasanya lebih gampang daripada kita hadapi. Tapi kalau mereka adalah keluarga, atau orang yang memang kita inginkan ada dalam kehidupan kita, adalah tugas kita untuk mengingatkan mereka.

    Seperti anak kecil yang menangis dan merengek tiap kali minta dibelikan sesuatu, kalau terus menerus dituruti ya sampai dewasa mereka akan merengek supaya keinginannya tercapai. Sifat manusiawi kan? Kalau memang metode itu sukses dipakai, kenapa harus berhenti menggunakan itu? Sedangkan kita harus bertanya pada diri sendiri, apakah kita mau orang yang kita sayangi menjadi orang yang mengintimidasi/memanipulasi orang lain untuk kepentingan dirinya sendiri? Apakah kita turut berperan dalam perkembangan pribadi dia yang egois?

    Di sisi lain, memang ada orang-orang yang mempunyai masalah psikologis. Bukan karena mereka berniat manipulatif, tapi memang karena ketidakstabilan emosi. Namun bukan berarti kita harus membiarkan atau memaklumi saja.

  4. Tegurlah mereka

    Point nomer 2 yaitu penguasaan emosi amatlah penting disini. Orang-orang yang manipulatif biasanya tahu bahwa mereka ada di posisi yang kurang tepat, sehingga kalau ditegur sedikit mereka biasanya mundur meski mungkin memancing amarah kita sebagai perilaku defensive.

    Jadi yang harus dipikirkan adalah bagainmana cara kita mengingatkan mereka, sehingga apa yang kita ungkapkan membawa kebaikan, bukan hanya memancing perdebatan.

  5. Tinggalkan mereka

    Apabila anda sudah melalui tahapan 1-4, dan keadaan masih tidak berubah. Mungkin harus dipertimbangkan apakah langkah ini diperlukan.

    Dipikir lagi seberapa pentingnya mereka untuk hidup anda. Kalau mereka memang penting untuk anda, mungkin anda sendiri harus berada di langkah #4 lebih lama.

Sampai saat ini sih saya masih dalam perjalanan dan dalam berbagai tahap diatas untuk orang-orang di sekeliling saya. Apalagi sekarang saya pindah ke negara lain, mulai lebih terlibat dengan Kraton, banyak ketemu orang-orang dan membuat teman baru.

Bagaimana dengan anda?


 

Bahasa Indonesia

Last week, we discussed the signs of toxic relationship. This time I would like to discuss how to deal with toxic relationships.

Depending on how important the relationship to you, there are several steps to deal with it and it depends on our own determination and willpower to improve the relationship. One thing to keep in mind, our reluctance to confront it might be what drives our loved ones to become more ‘toxic’

Examples of what I did:

  • My manipulative ex from last week: broke up
  • Those Facebook friends who always whining or angry about anything: unfollow/unfriend

Once the toxic relationship involve a family members or a close friend, that’s where it gets hairy. You can’t just cut them off or unfriend them in Facebook, right? They are important to you. Here’s the steps that I usually use to evaluate the relationship.

How do you deal with a toxic relationship?

  1. Don’t take it personally

    The most important thing to remember: it’s not your fault. The problem lies with them, not you. They might have low self esteem, feeling inferior to others, or dissatisfied with their own lives. They develop an expertise in phrasing sentences and act like everything is our fault.

    Just like the case of an ex who kept accusing me of straying when I just wanted to hangout with school friends, I didn’t lose sleep over it. I had no intention of straying, and it turned out that he was just afraid that I’d stray that he’d obsessed over it.

  2. Keep your temper

    You have to keep your emotion in check. When they start acting out, they’d make us uncomfortable, feeling inferior, sad or even angry. If you try to reason with them, they’ll usually start yelling, throwing out mean words or throwing a fit. If you fall for that and raise your voice, the argument will just blow up.

    What good would that do? You’d end up being stressed out, and that would results in bad mood and early wrinkles.

    In the case of my ex (once again), when he started sulking and made a big deal of the argument in front of our friends, he wanted me to come over to him and sweet talk him. He hoped to build the image of I was in the wrong and that I still need him.

    So when I got tired and fed up of his sulking, I just ignored him every time he did that in front of everyone. Sometimes my friend would say “Your boyfriend is sulking in the corner”, and I replied “Let him be. He’s a grown man for God’s sake.”. At the end my ex start talking again and asked “Why are you ignoring me?”.

    So if you’ve tried talking to them nicely and they still don’t change, you might want to consider walking away.

  3. Don’t be OK with their behavior

    In dealing with toxic people, we tend to let things slide because it might be easier than to confront them. However, if they are family, or people who you want to stay in your life, it is your duty to remind them.

    Just like children who cry and wail every time they want something, if you keep giving in to their demands then that behavior will carry over to adulthood. It is just human nature, that method worked before, so they would keep using it to get what they want.

    So please consider, do you want your loved ones to be the kind of person who intimidates or manipulate others to get what they want? Do you foster the traits that make them selfish?

    There are also the case where toxic people become toxic not because by choice, maybe they do have mental problems that make them that way. However, this is not a reason for you to be rail-roaded by them.

  4. Speak up

    Point number 2, keeping your emotions in check is crucial here. Manipulative people usually know that they are wrong. If you confront them, most of them will back down, although they might get snarky in the process.

    You need to think about how to confront them strategically, confronting them in a calm manner so that what you say actually bring change instead of fuelling fire.

  5. Walk away

    If you have gone through 1-4 and they don’t change, then you should consider walking away. Think about how important they are to you. How does their importance compare to your effort in staying in #4, your effort of trying to get through to them?

I am meeting a lot of new people lately. New friends in the new country, new school, and getting more involve in the palace. I am still constantly assessing various friends and currently being in various stages of the 5 steps.

How about you?

Tanda-tanda Hubungan Tidak Sehat/Signs of Toxic Relationship

life_quote

English Version

Jaman dahulu kala, ada seorang mantan (maap ye kalau ngerasa dijadiin contoh) yang lumayan bikin capek ati.
Ini salah satu contoh kejadiannya:

  • Aku: Omong-omong hari Minggu aku mau pergi sama temen-temen kelas ya
  • Dia: Ngapain pergi sama temen kelas? Pergi sama aku aja yuk
  • Aku: Wah, aku dah janjian dari 2 minggu lalu tuh. Malemnya aja ya kita ketemuan?
  • Dia: Dasar alesan! Bilang aja kalo kamu sebenernya naksir salah satu temen kelasmu kan?! Ngaku deh!!!

Jatuh hari Minggu, aku sih tetep pergi sama temen-temen ke sebuah mall hahaha. Dan terlihat lah di lantai 2, si dia ternyata ngikutin dan ngawasin aku diem-diem. Ketika aku samperin, “Kamu ngapain sih?” dia pura-pura bego “Ah enggak, aku kan pergi sendiri, ini tempat umum.”

Argumen ataupun kejadian ini cukup sering berulang, dan sekecil apapun argumennya berujung pada dia ngambek. Sengaja pergi rame-rame, tapi terus manyun dipojokkan, pamer sama semua orang bahwa kita lagi berantem.
Ada kalanya aku berusaha ndeketin, “Kamu kenapa to? Aku salah apa?”. Wuiihh, makin menjadi-jadi ngambeknya, buang muka sambil “Huh!” dimana aku harus sampe mohon-mohon supaya dia mau ngomong lagi ke aku.

Seiring berjalannya waktu (dimana dia berstatus mantan), ternyata kejadian seperti ini banyak dialami teman sekitar. Lelaki maupun perempuan sama-sama banyak yang mengintimidasi ataupun memanipulasi pasangannya seperti ini. Jadi kali ini aku pengen berbagi apa yang menurutku hubungan tidak sehat ini.

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Lebaran 2014

Setiap Lebaran di dalam Kraton ditandai dengan sungkeman atau ngabekten selama 2 hari. Hitungan hari pertama selalu jatuh pada tanggal 1 Syawal dalam tanggalan Jawa dan bukan tergantung jatuhnya Lebaran. Jadi kalau selama ini dibilang “Jatuhnya Lebaran di Kraton berbeda dengan pemerintah”, itu karena memang 2 hal yang berbeda. Yang satu Lebaran dimana kita ikut sholat Ied sesuai tanggal pemerintah, yang satu lagi sungkeman internal Kraton.

Hari pertama adalah sungkeman untuk para pria, dari adik-adik Bapak sampai abdi dalem pria. Ibu, Mbak Condrokirono dan saya kebagian shift pagi untuk menemani Ngarso Dalem di bangsal. Kenapa pake shift-shift an? Karena sungkeman nya dari pagi sampe malem, ampun kalau harus bersanggul dan berkorset dari pagi sampai malem.

Kraton Kilen

Ngarso Dalem menuju ke Gedong Jene

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How I Quit My Job

I have left my job voluntarily twice so far. My last one was due to health issues, I got engaged to my now husband working in New York, and also accepted for a full scholarship for my MBA in the States. So deciding to quit my second employment was much easier to make than my first employment.

For this post, I’d like to share the circumstances and decisions that I took in leaving my first job. I am sure there are many of you thinking about leaving your job and either can’t decide or afraid of the possibilities and changes that it brings.

I sat down, asked myself several questions which I tried to answer as honestly as I could. Nobody needs to see your notes, so don’t be afraid to be honest to yourself!

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When I Grow Up….

If you ask the 6 year old me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I would answer “A hacker! So that I can rob a bank remotely!”

Yeah, I blame those tv shows…

Growing up, I did nothing special in computer related stuff though. I wasn’t one of those 11 years old hacker. Just had your average class using a computer, with those floppy disks. Oh God, that makes me sound so old!

When I got into high school, I grew some interest in politics. Indonesia was undergoing a major political transition from Soeharto to a new president so there were so many things happening. I remember asking my teacher what she’d think and she answered “Somebody will probably shoot you!”
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Raising Team’s Morale

The first year of my full time employment, everyday I walked into the office with a big smile on my face and greeted everyone I walked past with a “Good morning!”. It wasn’t until I got assigned a really big, difficult project loaded with difficult client & office politics that I would have headache every morning, feeling my energy level steadily decreasing as soon as I left home, and drained completely when I walked into the office, resulting in a grumpy face and morning greetings dissapeared. I was agitated and impatient all the time, I had difficulties sleeping and when I woke up, it felt like I hadn’t slept at all. Pretty soon my health started falling and I had to take an unpaid leave to recover.

Morale is influenced by various factors, depending on the personality and priority of the employee himself. However, some of the more common cause of low morale are poor leadership, poor communication, long hours or heavy workload, lack of appreciation of work being done. In such environment, an employee is likely to not have a sense of belonging because he already spends effort just to come to work every morning. When this happens, it will likely result in high employee turnover, increased complaints, increased internal conflicts and lower quality output.

Working in an IT company usually warrants long hours, especially when approaching deadlines. I did my share of working for 20 hours for weeks including weekends and sleeping on the client’s floor for days for way too many times. In cases like this, the only thing that can make your team continue to work is the sense of belonging. Money only motivates people so far, and the sense of helping just a colleague is not as strong as the sense of duty towards a family member. For me personally, if I did not have my friends there in the same office, I would not last as long.

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My Partners in Crime

My best friends and I
I’m one of those people who don’t have much friends growing up. Even a close friend usually drifted apart after a few years. It got worse when I started studying overseas, where I moved to a different country every few years. I tend to lose contact with them when I moved. During my school days, other students seem to have different interests, so I didn’t talk that much either. I was that girl who always ate alone during lunch hours, but I didn’t mind at all.

Things turned around when I started my first full time job in Jakarta. The IT company was full of people around my age, and we had common interests like online games and anime. I had more friends than ever.

My first day in the company, I was assigned to a desk next to a new Business Analyst who came 3 months before me. We were assigned together for our first project, where I started my Project Management journey. Maybe because we were equally struggling in our new roles, we bonded almost instantly.

We do have our differences though. Susi is a stylish girl, when I could barely walk in high heels and had no sense of fashion. In the earlier days, she’d constantly criticised my work outfit or stopped me mid-sentence “Wait! This is a new shirt, right?” (she knows my clothes better than I do). So over time, I evolved to survive. At first I paid more attention to my outfit so I wouldn’t have to tip-toed around the fashion police (read: Susi) every morning. Then I started noticing the differences in clients’ attitude towards me when I started to dress better. So I am grateful for her advice.

That’s the good part of the story, the bad part is I got a whole new obsession with shoes and bags (I blame her for that). When I go out with my friends, and you see me only wearing t-shirt, jeans and old sandals, you can bet that’s because Susi is not around.
Susi and Me
During the first few months of my employment, I had the feeling that my programmers tend to markup their mandays, because I was this new clueless PM. So I would always get a second opinion from infamously sullen and unfriendly Head of Developer (back then), Isyak. He always seemed in a bad mood, sulking while staring at his monitor. The programmers were pretty much tip-toed around him. If there was a problem in the core of the system that require his effort, the project teams would rather take extra effort building a workaround themselves rather than asking him. I remember the horror on one’s programmer’s face when she realized her commited source code crashed Isyak’s. Priceless moment…
After spending a lot of time talking to him, turned out that he wasn’t so bad. He can get grumpy real fast, but that’s just depend on how you phrase your requests and questions.
Isyak and Me
Berry quickly turned out to be my fountain of productivity. My day couldn’t start until I dropped into his cubicle and chat (read: smack/pinch/abuse him). When I got stuck doing my work, all I needed to do was to find him and give him a smack, ideas would start pouring in. Of course that means he’d try to hide whenever he saw me. This is reflected by pictures of me lovingly abuse him and his adorable cheeks hahaha.
Berry and Me
Last but not least, Tjiputra. This guy is practically Isyak’s soulmate, so when I started hanging out with Isyak, Tjiputra was also in the package. He was one of the most noticable guy in the company, because he spent his working days walking around the office while talking loudly. Since he left not too long after I joined the company, we mostly meet each other during lunch hours and weekends. He started his own company, and I learned a lot on management from him. His company also supported my wedding by providing the electronic guest passes and he went out of his way to make sure that my wedding went well. He will always have my thanks.
TY and Me

So these guys, they were either heads or the best seniors in their own respective departments. When the heads of the departments are best friends, it can either make the staff job easier when they need something, or a nightmare when they make a mistake. I also get to hear them passionately complained about the PMs like I’m not a PM. Made me wonder if they ever bashed me in that way hahahaha.

We became close friends because we have similar hobbies other than our similar struggles. For example, Isyak and me are MMORPG players, the guys got me into the dark force (read: photography) while Susi loves being photographed. They helped me through one of my darkest time, and this is the most important thing, we support each other.
Group Photo
this post is inspired by Daily Post – Something So Strong